


Your Tears are Full of Summer Salt

by SucculentStrawberries



Series: Omovember - 2019 [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Crush, Confessions, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Desperation, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Double Entendre, Embarrassment, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Explicit Language, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Humiliation, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Island Mode (Dangan Ronpa), Love Confessions, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Massage, Mild Language, Misunderstandings, Omorashi, One Shot, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Sexual Humor, Situational Humiliation, Teen Crush, Urination, Wetting, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SucculentStrawberries/pseuds/SucculentStrawberries
Summary: ((Omovember Day 12: During a Massage))A vacation on a gorgeous island. Spending time with a close friend. Getting a massage. Those three things should be relaxing.But of course, for Hajime Hinata, nothing ever seems to go smoothly, and the noise in his skull never silences.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Nidai Nekomaru
Series: Omovember - 2019 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1532918
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57





	Your Tears are Full of Summer Salt

**Author's Note:**

> ~~The title's funny because Hajime is salty as hell lmao~~
> 
> This is a perfectly normal massage and nothing sexual at all happens ~~minus one erection joke~~. But my God does it read like a porno :')
> 
> I actually wanted to post this last week since it was nearly finished, but some unforeseen irl issues delayed that. These last few months have been a plague and murdering all my writing plans RIP. So here it is the day after Christmas, please feel free to consider it a belated present for sticking with me and my fics! I don't really do kink or 'weird' sfw fics for that holiday so this is the closest you'll get to a Christmas Special (TM).
> 
> As a note, I'm also still working on editing the final chapters for 'The Will of Causality' and 'Writhe in the Decay', as well as a few more oneshots I'd already partially written or had planned for the prompt list! So the Omovember celebration will continue into January, haha!

“ _ DING DING DING!~ _ ” 

We all dropped our tools when a familiar voice came from the speakers around us. The face of our ‘teacher’ popped onto a nearby monitor, beaming down at us with a prop bell in her paws. Why Usami felt like she had to sing the words instead of actually ringing the bell, we didn’t know. If there was anything we’d learned on this island, it was that there was no point in questioning anything she did. Trying to make sense of things just wound up giving me a headache, so like my classmates, I’d finally given in and embraced it. 

“Excellent work, everyone! You’re making progress! I’m so proud of you!” Usami gushed at us, her beady eyes glimmering with pride. I puffed my chest up a bit, satisfaction flowing through me. I had to admit, it was nice to be praised, even if what we were building was kind of bizarre, given our circumstances. 

Before this year, I’d always felt like I was fighting just to catch up to everyone else. But to be here at last, on almost equal footing, and to contribute to a goal and work with the best of the best… to not only meet the standards, but achieve beyond them… It made me feel better about myself. Important, dignified, in control… like after all this time, my hard work and desire to better myself  _ finally _ meant something. I was finally where I wanted to be-  _ who _ I wanted to be. 

“Okie Dokie!~ I think you’ve all earned some free time!” Usami chimed. “Relax, have fun, and be safe! I’ll be near the bridge if anyone needs me!” With that, the monitor screen went blank. Some of us were quick to ditch the building site, while others took a bit of time to breathe and wipe the sweat off their foreheads or break into chattering groups, but eventually everyone had dispersed. I was left standing alone, and a deep sigh left my lungs as I started making my way towards the crossroads. 

_ What do I do now? _

That was the biggest question of every day, and I always struggled to find the best answer. There were so many options. So many islands with different attractions to visit, so many people to visit them with… I wished I had a schedule long enough to fit them all in. But we only had so many days on this school trip, so I needed to manage my time to the best of my abilities if I wanted to make the most of it. I liked to think I was pretty on top of things in that regard, but it was still difficult to pick and choose.

Luckily, sometimes I didn’t have to be burdened with choosing. Like many things since that crazy day I’d set foot in the classroom, sometimes fate decided to choose for me, and I didn’t have any say in the matter.

“Hajime! There you are, slowpoke! I’ve been looking all over for ya’!”

I knew that thunderous voice anywhere, and the blue lightning that accompanied it, but I was still startled when something wrapped around my chest. Before I’d had a chance to breathe, I lost the ability as Nekomaru’s arm yanked me into a bone-crushing hug against his side. A friendly gesture, but significantly more intimidating when it could do physical damage. Just when I thought I was going to have to tap at his arm to get his attention before I risked passing out, he finally released me, if only to ruffle my hair. I bent over with my hands on my knees, heaving for breath. I didn’t think my ribs were fractured, but it still hurt with every inhale.

“Hey… Nekomaru…” I rasped, glancing up and flashing him the best smile I could manage. “I’m glad to see you too.” 

And I was. During the last few weeks since arriving here, Nekomaru and I had spent a good chunk of our free time together. We’d had a lot of fun hanging around and exploring the islands. He was boisterous, and a little pushy, but he made everything entertaining. He knew how to bring me out of my shell and get motivated, to really participate and goof around. He also knew how to relax though, and turn things down. Sometimes we just stood around and talked, and I was surprised when he told me some serious things. About his childhood, his health then and now, his motivation for being a Team Leader… for some reason, he was completely comfortable opening up to me, even more than how open he was with everyone else. 

I didn’t entirely mind it. It was… nice, to be a little closer with someone. For once, instead of having to seek someone out to have a conversation, I was already someone’s first choice.

It was kind of nerve-wracking. 

It was good to know I was starting to stand out a little, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about all that attention. Maybe it was just because I wasn’t very used to it, but lately I’d started feeling a little nervous around him. Nekomaru hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hated feeling that way, but I couldn’t seem to make it go away. I found myself overthinking our conversations, trying to figure out what kept triggering it, but that only led to my anxieties flaring up. 

It was weird. This constant, looming feeling whenever I saw him, just coming out of nowhere. What was that feeling trying to tell me? That something was bound to go wrong? Or was it just excitement so strong it made my stomach flip?

I was trying to be less pessimistic. Nothing bad had happened here so far, so I needed to learn to stop worrying so much, right? That was what my classmates had kept saying on the first day. So I was going to try my best to ignore that feeling. I definitely didn’t want to lose my friendship with Nekomaru, I knew that much.

“So-” I straightened up to face him properly, now that I’d caught my breath. “You said you were looking for me. What for?”

“Well, it’d be faster to show ya’ than to stand around talking! Come on! We’re burning daylight, and you’re already late for our date!” I didn’t have a chance to react before Nekomaru had snatched my wrist and started dragging me away, one of his trademark screams of power filling the air around us. As he charged ahead and broke into a jog, I scrambled to keep both pace and my footing. We ran further and further, until the building site and the crossroads were specks in the distance. The grass and dirt beneath our feet began to morph, gradually shifting to rocky cliffs and sand. While I was trying to pick my way down the growing slope, staggering against gravity and loose pebbles, the jolts of the terrain made me hiss.

“ _ Ow, shit! _ ”

“You doin’ alright, Hajime?” Nekomaru let go of my arm so I had an extra one to balance with, and I waved him off. 

“It's fine! I’m fine!" I shifted my footing to a different angle, taking care to keep my shoes from slipping again as I started following him. "Just lost my balance for a second!” 

All of that movement, flailing around with a wider stance and trying to keep my feet from sliding out from under me before I reached the sandy beach, had been frustrating for more than just that reason. Now that I finally had time to myself, away from Usami’s tasks or my entire class, I’d been able to take notice of a lot of things. How I was already kind of tired, and probably could've used a bath. And, much more importantly, that it might've been a good idea to hit one of the restrooms before I'd started searching for people to hang out with.

_ God _ I had to piss.

The Jabba Juice stations Usami had set up around the islands for us while we were working had been a nice gesture. She’d wanted to keep us from getting sick or dehydrated, which probably would have happened to me, if I was honest. I had a tendency to get too wrapped up in tasks I was concentrating on, and without those around to remind me to take cups periodically, I wouldn’t have drunk at all. But I seemed to have only traded one sacrifice for another. I hadn’t left to take a break once during the hours we’d spent working after breakfast, and even though I’d sweated profusely, I knew that wasn’t nearly enough to balance things out.

With the intense task of building the 'Good Ship Usami' challenging us harder than any of our projects so far, our free time during the week was pretty limited. Just an hour or two after finishing our work for the day, then it was dinner and curfew. The journey from the beach to the hotel or our cabins and then back would take at least an hour, maybe forty-five minutes if we ran. Even though I was sure Nekomaru would be understanding (given how much the guy liked to scream about shitting, he didn’t exactly have the right to judge), I still didn’t want to disappoint him by cutting the time on our ‘date’ short. 

The more I thought about it, the more I decided it just wasn’t worth the hassle.

I was only a couple of years away from being a fully-fledged adult, and I’d managed to endure Nekomaru’s intense training sessions so far. Even if it was irritating, I wasn’t in any danger. I wasn’t  _ that  _ immature. 

I’d hold it until we got back and split off for the evening, and that was that.

As we reached the actual sand of the beach, Nekomaru turned to me, a beaming smile on his face. "Isn't the view fantastic here?!?" he gestured to the pristine white beach stretching around us, as well as the expanse of blue sky and sea. In a few hours, they would change to reflect the sunset, and I was sure it would be stunning. For now, we were entirely alone, without so much as a seagull to interrupt. "It's perfect to admire while we train! Let's start with some laps to warm up!"

Ugh. I should've known he'd wanted to exercise. Just  _ once _ , picking seashells or watching a movie at the theatre would be a nice change of pace. But that wasn't Nekomaru's style, and I just had to accept that. It would still be fun, even if it was way more work. He always managed to keep it from feeling like a chore, no matter how intense his training regiment was.

"Sounds great." I nodded, returning his grin with a calmer one of my own. "Lead the way!" 

~~~

Even though I wasn’t worried, as we ran a fifth lap along the coastline, I was starting to get fed up with myself and the situation. _ Damn it, _ it hurt like hell! Every time my shoes hit the sand, gravity would send another jolt through my bladder, following an agonizing rhythm. Parting my legs made the throbbing worse, and the heaving of my breath didn’t help my abdomen in the slightest. I couldn’t have cared less about the fire in my lungs, it was barely noticeable compared to my other condition. The sweat dripping and sticking to my skin was uncomfortable and  _ taunting,  _ sliding into creases and keeping my clothes damp. I knew for a fact that was the only thing I felt dripping down my leg, but it seemed to tease my body into aching all the same, forcing my muscles to tense.

I was so lost in the depths of my distractions, I didn’t feel my feet slip out from under me until it was too late. One minute I had been running, the next I was plummeting towards the ground. My pulsing heart nearly stopped, and that awful tug of sudden gravity lurched through my stomach. I squeezed my eyes shut with a yelp and awaited the impact…

But it never came. Confusion washed over me, and I opened my eyes to find I was hovering a few inches from the sand, and that the back of my shirt was being tugged on. Nekomaru had grabbed me at the last second, suspending me with one hand. He lifted me up and dropped me so that I was standing upright, a booming chuckle filling the air. 

“Careful there, Hajime! I know how it feels to get lost in the feeling of good exercise, but you’ve gotta watch where you’re going! I can’t have my ‘star player’ taken out by a piece of puny driftwood!” Nekomaru reached down to grab the large, offending branch that had hooked my foot earlier, hurling it into the ocean like he was throwing an Olympic javelin. I hoped there weren’t any fish in its path waiting to get speared.

To be honest though, at that point I would have envied the fish. At least their suffering would be over in a few seconds instead of dragging on for another hour...

“Hajime, what’s with that look on your face?” Nekomaru was staring down at me, his eyebrows crackling with electric focus. “ **_ARE YOU FEELING THE BURN?!?_ ** ” he howled, flexing until his shirt nearly ripped.

I would have flinched back to get away from the noise and intensity, but I was starting to realize it would be better if I moved as little as possible. Standing still for this couple of minutes made the task of starting up a run again seem impossible. Herculean. And unlike Nekomaru, I wasn’t a demigod.

“Actually, I’m kind of sore- more than usual.” I admitted, rubbing the tops of my thighs briefly. “I think I need to take a break for a few minutes.” That wasn’t a lie. I couldn’t stand running any more in my current state. But if I sat down to take the pressure off, at least we could still talk, and I could humor him for a little longer. When he was ready, then we could head back. "Mind if I just watch you for a while?" I was already taking a few steps back, taking care to sit slowly on the sand instead of just dropping down. That kind of extra impact wouldn’t help at all. 

“Well, I guess I can’t blame you. I’m sure my workouts are enchanting to watch!” Nekomaru laughed again, flexing a few playful poses and puffing out his chest. Not that it really needed to bulge more than it already did. If I wasn’t so preoccupied, I might have felt a stab of envy. Actually, even with the sensations at the forefront of my concentration, my chest still managed to pang. “But as much as I love to have your wandering eyes on me, Hajime, I’d really prefer if we could work together…” Nekomaru admitted, rubbing the back of his head as he stared down at me. “It isn’t teamwork if I’m the only one participating, you feel me? But… I guess if you _really_ want to tap out, I won’t stop ya’...” 

_ Shit! _

Was this really so important to him? We’d done these kind of hangouts at least a dozen times! It wasn’t like there was anything that special about it! Aside from the view and lack of classmates crowding it, there wasn’t anything different about the beach today. What we’d discussed during our run hadn’t been any more interesting than our usual small talk (the few times I’d managed to tune in to what he was saying, anyways). 

I didn’t get it. I couldn’t get out of it  _ this one time _ without disappointing him? I guessed that was the price you paid when you became someone’s trusted friend instead of an acquaintance. And despite being so tough, Nekomaru was a pretty sensitive guy. I felt a deep pit sink into my stomach as I remembered how long it had taken him to stop crying after I made the mistake of suggesting we play ‘Capture the Flag’ once.

Looking at his face… No, I couldn’t make that kind of mistake again. I wouldn’t allow it. Even if he was trying to be casual about it (no doubt, he didn’t want to put any pressure on me if I really didn’t want to join him), I could see the hurt in his eyes. 

“Look, Nekomaru, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea!” I gestured from my place on the sand, trying to placate him. “I’m not ‘tapping out’ completely! And it’s not because I’m not interested or something. I really  _ do _ want to hang out with you today, especially since you took me all the way out here. This is important to you, so… it’s important to me too.” I finished earnestly.

Nekomaru stayed quiet, picking at his ear with one pinkie finger. If he was clearing it out to hear me better, at least that meant he was listening. I took a slow breath and exhaled, resting my folded arms on top of my knees. God, my belt felt like it was crushing me from that position, but I doubted anything else would be any better. Khaki pants and a white dress shirt tucked in really weren’t the best clothes for the beach…

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disappoint you. I’m just… not really up for any more training right now, okay? I don’t have the same kind of energy you do, and after all the work we did earlier, I’m running on fumes here. I’d be glad to stay here and talk to you, or see any cool sports tricks you want to show me, but I think it’d be best if I didn’t move for a while.”

Nekomaru huffed, scratching his chin as he took in my explanation. “Well, I can’t lie to ya’, that  _ does _ disappoint me a little…” Ow, that was a nice barb to the chest. “Anyone can sit and  _ watch _ the sunset, but it’s a special kind of experience to be out running around when it hits. And you miss a lot of cool treasures along the shores if you don’t follow the coastline…”

_ Crap!  _ There had to be a way I could salvage this day! _ Think, think! _

“If you want me to come with you  _ that badly _ , uh… you could carry me! That could be an option, r-right? I mean, maybe I could ride on your shoulders or something-”

**_“HAJIME, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”_ **

I was so shocked, I did snap it shut. Nekomaru’s shout was like thunder, and as if it had commanded lightning from the skies, I found my entire body paralyzed by tension. I’d known that was a dumb idea as soon as I blurted it out, and to be honest, I didn’t even  _ want _ to be carried, but I still didn’t expect him to react so negatively!

“ _ Blasphemy!  _ That’s  **_BLASPHEMY!_ ** ” Nekomaru emphasized, squaring his shoulders and glaring down at me.

“ _ Huh?!? _ ” What the hell was he talking about!?!

Those bushy eyebrows knitted themselves together along the crease of his forehead, and he rubbed his temple with one hand, groaning under his breath. “It’d be fine if we were just goofing around, but this is  _ training time _ here, remember!?! Giving up and asking me to carry you like a toddler, that’s just lazy talk! And you know how I feel about laziness!” 

Damnit! I hadn’t realized it’d come across like that!

“Sorry! Sorry! You’re right! You’re totally right!” I scrambled to reassure him, ducking my head in a bow. “I, uh, I apologize to the sports gods for my transgressions!”

“Don’t be a smartass!” Nekomaru snorted. Luckily, there did seem to be a hint of amusement in his puff of air. Nekomaru crouched down, although he still managed to tower over me. “Don’t worry, I’ll forgive you this time. I know it can be taxing sticking to a schedule like this when you first start out. But trust me, if you keep going and push through it, you’ll be  _ whizzing  _ across this beach before you know it!”

_ That last statement might not be entirely wrong.  _ I thought, trying my best not to wince as he smiled at me.

“ _You_ _knowww…_ ” Nekomaru said slowly, caressing his chin in thought. “If you’re really that low on energy, I know just the thing to perk ya’ up!”

“Oh yeah?” I mused, biting back a scoff. Like hell he did, but I had to humor him. “And what might that be?” I raised an eyebrow, rocking slightly in my seat as I awaited his answer, hoping my extra shuffling would only be seen as anticipation. I really was curious though. 

“Exactly. _ ‘That.’ _ ” Nekomaru interlaced his hands and stretched them forwards until his arms popped, and my over-swollen bladder nearly did the same at the sound.

_ Oh God. Oh God, no... _

Maybe I’d misunderstood him, I reasoned. Maybe it was a different ‘That.’  _ ‘That’  _ could mean any number of things. Anything at all, really. 

Anything  _ except _ ‘That.’ 

_ Anything _ except ‘That.’

I wasn’t sure if my face was going to go ghost white or red as a tomato. My blood refused to decide which way to flow, instead freezing solid inside my veins. My heart was beating faster with every second I watched him start to stretch or flex his fingers, his eyebrows waggling sparks at me.

“Ah, that’s a nice offer, Nekomaru! B-But, uh, you don’t have to do that! You  _ really _ don’t-”

“Nonsense, Hajime! If you’re sore and tired out, ‘It’ will be the best way to get you goin’ again! You’ll be feeling so much better, and then we can enjoy training until the sun sets behind us! Won’t that be great!?!”

“Yeah, th-that sounds nice, I guess… But you shouldn’t go to so much trouble-”

“It’s no trouble at all! How could taking care of one of my star teammates be trouble? There’s nothing I’d rather do right now than ‘That’ to you!~ So get your clothes off and let’s do ‘It’ already!”

“We’re on a public beach!” I countered. I was desperate to find any argument I could. “Wh-What if someone sees us?”

“Who’s gonna see us? We’re alone out here, remember? Relax!”

My arm rushed to point behind him, at the camera nested in a nearby palm tree. “Wh-What about Miss Usami?!? She sees _ everything! _ Do you want to subject  _ our teacher  _ to this?!?”

Nekomaru only started laughing, his taut stomach shaking with each deep sound. “ **_HAHAHAHA!_ ** Hajime, I love you, but you’ve got to loosen up! If you stay this uptight, your spine’ll snap!” Wiping a tear from his eye, he sighed and reached out to pat my back. “She’s got this entire island to run and a whole class to manage! And I can tell you from experience, there’s no way for one person to keep an eye on that many people  _ all the time. _ Stuff’s always gonna slip through the cracks. And she’s just as easily embarrassed as you, so even if she did see, I really don’t think she’d watch.” Nekomaru shrugged. “And even if she did, is there really any problem with that? We’re not doing anything abnormal. This is perfectly natural. So-” taking his hand back, he cracked his knuckles, staring me down determinedly. “-strip down to your underwear and lay across my lap.”

_ There’s nothing natural about that! That’s completely abnormal!  _

But he’d disarmed every single one of my arguments, shooting down every point I’d made until I didn’t have any defense or ammo left. I had no means of resistance, no excuses. Well, there was one last bullet in the chamber, but one I absolutely wasn’t willing to fire. That was a last resort, and even then, I had no plans to deploy it.

Unable to meet his eager eyes, I kept my focus on the sand around us as I started unbuttoning my shirt and tugging it off, along with the tie. Even if my clothes were already a bit of a mess from the day’s events, I took a spare minute to fold them anyways, setting them down on a nearby rock. It was an extra sixty seconds to prepare myself for the biggest obstacle. The belt.

That was going to be a double-edged sword…

Of course, it would be a pretty big relief to have it off. It’d be a lot easier to breathe without it constricting around my waist, or cutting into my abdomen whenever I bent over. But that freedom was also what I was afraid of. I wasn’t really the ‘outdoorsy’ type of guy, and I didn’t really travel on long trips either. The handful of times I’d been this uncomfortable, I’d always been reasonably close to civilization and a restroom. As soon as I unbuckled, it was time to-

What if my body was conditioned? Like that dog’s response, whatever it was called. What if as soon as I undid the belt, I-

_ Get ahold of yourself. That’s stupid. _

Making sure not to hesitate any longer, I stood, turned away from Nekomaru, and reached for the clasp, grateful my back hid my shaking hands. Gravity did a wonderful job of increasing the pressure, and for the few seconds my hands were pressed against the buckle I felt like I was going to burst, but I was able to manage while keeping myself still and casual, no matter how badly I wanted to bounce on my heels. I only had to endure for a while longer, and then we could go back to the hotel and I’d be free. 

_ It’ll make him happy, if he thinks he’s helping me. And there are way more painful things we could be doing. What kind of jackass would complain about a free massage? _

I just had to keep that in mind. This was the least difficult activity we could do on this outing, so I should really have been counting myself lucky. All I had to do was lie there.

All I had to do was lie there and relax.

_ But not too much. _

As I pulled my pants down and off, along with my shoes and socks, I tried to ignore the waves of unease filling my body. I ducked and crawled to lay on his cross-legged lap as quickly as I could, all too aware of how exposed I was. Laying on my stomach was far from comfortable, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about him seeing my abdomen. I hadn’t had the nerve to look myself, but given my thinner frame and judging by how full I felt, it had to be at least a little distended.

“Remind me why I need to be on your lap for this?”

“Well, I don’t have a table around here, so I’ll  _ BE  _ your table!” Nekomaru proclaimed proudly. That didn’t really seem like something to take pride in, but he wore his new duty like a badge of honor.  _ Isn’t stuff like that usually supposed to be humiliating? _ “You don’t want sand everywhere, do ya’?” he teased.

“Not particularly…” I admitted, folding my arms to use as a pillow. There was  _ no way _ I was going to rest my head on his thigh. I was already uncomfortable enough with what the rest of me was overtop of… “Just… be gentle, alright? Nothing too intense.”

“But Hajime, you know I do everything with  **_MAXIMUM INTENSITY!!!_ ** If it’s not intense, you won’t notice anything, and you won’t be rejuvenated either! Power is needed to awaken your inner fighting spirit!  **_HYAAAAAAAAA!!!_ ** ” His entire body seemed to quake with the powerful aura he was exuding, and it shook me along with it. I couldn’t help gasping, gritting my teeth for a second before I tried to shout over him. 

“I get that! I do! But if you could just tone it down a little-”

“Hajime, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Nekomaru interrupted me, much calmer and quieter than he was moments ago. “Trust me, I know a body’s limits. Part of being the Ultimate Team Manager is knowing how much your trainees can take!  _ Just enough _ push and strain to improve without hurting themselves! This is exactly the same. I’m going to take you  _ as far as you can go, _ and a little beyond, until you’re  _ seeing stars... _ When you come back down to earth, you’ll be energized and aiming to reach them!”

Nekomaru's words whenever he spoke about 'that' always sent a tingle up my spine. I was never sure whether it was desire, fear, or self-preservation. But I  _ was _ sure that shudder was the last thing I needed, shaking and sloshing the sack of liquid inside of me.

"You always fuss when I start, Hajime!" Nekomaru chuckled above me, and I braced myself for the incoming friendly slap on the back. I didn't brace enough, and I tried to ignore the stinging imprint of a hand on my skin while he kept talking. "And yet every time, you end up enjoying it! Be honest with yourself! Feel everything to the fullest!"

_ Oh, I am. Trust me… _ I thought bitterly, failing to swallow the resentment building in my body. I knew it wasn't entirely Nekomaru's fault, but if I didn't have an outward enemy to focus on, I would only dwell on the pulsing ball of frustration in my abdomen. I couldn't afford to dwell on that more than I already was.

“Alright, Nekomaru. Do your worst…” I sighed, closing my eyes and settling down in acceptance of my fate. That only brought another full, body-shaking chuckle out of him.  _ God, _ I wished he’d quit laughing.

“I think you mean my  _ BEST! _ ” Nekomaru cracked his knuckles again, letting his calloused hands run along my back while he decided on where to start. True to his word, he wasn’t being rough. It really was astounding that the guy who left people sore every time he went for a high-five could do this without breaking anyone. Despite the power in his grip, it never hurt.

It was a shame I couldn’t let my guard down to appreciate it. 

“You have an unusual amount of tension today, Hajime.” Nekomaru’s comment let me know that he’d noticed that too, damn him... “Your entire body feels like a wound up spring! Is there somethin' bugging you?”

“Not really.” I murmured, making sure to sound as casual as possible. “Nothing’s bothering me. Nothing more than usual, anyway.” I shrugged.

Nekomaru hummed from above me, his fingers continuing to trace my skin as he investigated whatever areas were catching his attention. When his touch eventually reached the small of my back, I couldn’t help but flinch as a jolt of electricity shot up my spine. I’d always been weirdly ticklish and sensitive there, and the sensation was even worse now that it was amplified by my other problem. I bit down on my lip as I waited for the tingling in both places to stop, praying my cheeks weren’t as heated as they felt.

Nekomaru huffed in what I guessed was satisfaction, pressing the same spot once more for confirmation and watching my entire body go rigid before he took his hand off. “Looks like something more than usual to me.” he mused simply, waiting for a rebuttal that didn’t come. He snapped his fingers near my ear, signaling for me to turn my head enough to glance up at him. Once I did, he looked at me very seriously, scratching his chin in contemplation. “Is it because the last time I did ‘it’ to you in my cabin, you-”

“No!  _ NO! _ You _ swore _ to never bring that up again!” I hated the way my voice had turned into a yelp, but hearing him speak had nearly made my heart stop cold in my chest. That was  _ one time!  _ One time that I thought I’d successfully managed to erase from my memory, and forced him to erase from his. I thought we’d agreed never to speak of it…

Apparently Nekomaru didn’t get the memo. All he did was shrug, talking about it as calmly and good-naturedly as if we were discussing the weather. If I wasn’t pinned down by his other hand on my shoulder, and didn’t know he was nearly indestructible, I might have been tempted to slit his throat.

“I’m just saying, there’s no need to be embarrassed over it. It happens all the time! Plenty of men and even a few women I’ve done have-”

“ _ Oh my God,  _ I don’t want to talk about this…” I moaned, turning away and burying my face deeper into my arms. Maybe I should have just suffocated myself in the damn sand. I was going to be dead from humiliation anyways if Nekomaru kept discussing that  _ incident.  _

“It’s like how the hair on the back of your neck stands up when you sense something strange, or how when a doctor taps your knee with that tiny hammer, it jerks up. It’s just a bodily reflex!”

A bodily reflex, just like the ones begging me to rock my hips with each wave of pain that I was having to fight. I had to stay perfectly still, especially since he’d already caught on to how tense I was.

“For the record, I wasn’t thinking about  _ any of that _ until you brought it up...” A muffled groan escaped my lips, and I clenched my eyes shut again. How could I have  _ possibly _ had time to stress about that when I was so busy trying not to piss myself? I was a lot more worried about  _ his  _ lap than mine.

“You’re always so stressed about the little things, Hajime.” Nekomaru sighed. “It’s not healthy! Instead of fighting them, try to let your true feelings and impulses wash over you. Go with the flow for once, alright?”

Not trusting myself to speak as pulses ravaged my bladder, I just nodded my head, gesturing with one hand for him to keep going. It was good advice. Not for this particular moment, but for the future, at least.

Hell, maybe if I  _ did _ let myself get distracted, it’d help keep my mind off of how badly I had to piss. As Nekomaru got to work for real, I tried to let my mind travel past the cramps, tried to focus on my other senses. 

As I struggled to keep my breathing even, I took in the gentle breeze of the sand and surf, salt and heat mixing into the air and settling inside my lungs. The sun shone down from above to kiss my skin, an enveloping heat erasing the ache in some of my sore muscles. Nekomaru’s strong-but-soothing grip caressed my shoulders, and slowly, I began to relax. I was able to forget my troubles, if only for a few minutes. Despite the day’s difficulties, I’d earned a small reward, and I deserved to enjoy it. I found myself drifting somewhere between a state of meditation, and just flat-out dozing...

Unfortunately, the tropical paradise around me seemed insistent, almost _ sadistically _ so, on making sure I couldn’t stay content.

As I allowed my senses to tune in to what was happening around me, I had the great misfortune of noticing yet another aspect of the beach. The sloshing waves against the nearby shoreline, swimming in and out and splashing against the rocks. And with that single sound, an ocean’s worth of agony came crashing back into my bladder. I clasped a hand over my mouth to stifle another moan.

“Hajime, I told you, no one’s here but us! You don’t have to be so shy!” Nekomaru reached over to pull my hand off of my mouth. “I want to hear everything you’re feeling! How else will I know if I’m bringing out your full potential? This is an exercise in losing your modesty! Understand?”

As his hands slipped down to massage the middle of my back, I had no choice but to moan again, that time aloud for all to hear. From where I was pinned, his movements were putting more pressure on my abdomen than I was already feeling from where it rested in his lap. My desperation skyrocketed, and even if I could have moved, I don’t think I would have. It seemed impossible to do anything, like an action as simple as squirming to adjust my position would have been enough for me to lose control.

Not that I was really  _ going _ to lose control, but the pain was becoming almost impossible to ignore, taking up every bit of focus I had. 

What was supposed to be a relaxing massage was rapidly becoming a trial of endurance and willpower. I was trapped, tortured by the sound of the waves lapping against the sand, every droplet sending teasing urges through my abdomen. The waves inside me were trying their damndest to rejoin the body of water nearby, pressing against my organs and  _ pleading _ to follow the tide. 

Meanwhile, his hands were working to loosen every knot and coil in my body, methodically working his way down towards my calves and then back up again. It was the exact opposite of agony, and that was what made it so grueling. Nekomaru really did have the gift of the gods, and every touch was pulling sounds from me that I didn’t want to make. To experience such complete, high-inducing pleasure… what the fuck had I done to piss off fate? It was nearly impossible to keep my composure and remember my mission when I felt like I was floating, when every atom in my body was being simultaneously rested and energized.

_ Stay… Stay focused… You have to  _ **_-Oh my God…-_ ** _ Stay focused... _

The sun, the surf, his touch… it was just about all I could take. My vision speckled and swam until, like he’d promised, I was seeing stars. I was vaguely aware I'd started drooling, but I didn't dare move to wipe it. With a wanton moan that would’ve put Akane’s to shame, I curled my toes into the sand, struggling for any kind of purchase as shudders and electrifying satisfaction wracked my frame. 

_ It feels so good, it's almost unfair… _

I wanted more. Every cell in my body  _ craved _ more, hungrily waiting for every intoxicating pressure point those divine hands laid on me. Despite my resolve to stay still, I couldn't help but arch my back with a groan. My core was on fire, and so taut I felt like I was going to explode.

As my swollen abdomen rolled against his knee though, I almost whimpered, barely shifting the embarrassing noise into a gasp to try and disguise it. My bladder was bound to explode first, and the pressure was so intense I couldn't believe I was still able to bear weight on it (not that I had a choice in my current position). The pulsing within me was frantic, and I found myself cloaked in fresh waves of sweat until I felt sick. The urgency was outright painful, aching throughout my entire lower body and  _ burning _ in the most intimate region. I had to actively tense to keep the flood at bay, and that didn't even ease the pressure. I wanted to cry.

I  _ was _ crying, I realized, as I clenched my eyes shut and felt tears dripping past the lids. My teeth were gritted just as tightly, a strangled noise ripping through my throat as Nekomaru grunted and pressed my body flat against his lap. It felt amazing and horrific all at once, a perfect juxtaposition of blessing and tragedy wrapped up in a single moment. Relaxation rippled through each limb, every bone, turning my flesh into gelatin. And, by cruel consequence, brought a burst of warm liquid seeping out to pour into my boxers. 

" _ AHH-NG! _ " I cried out with something between a gasp and a grunt, my face blazing hotter than the wetness clinging to my crotch.

_ Oh God. Oh God Oh God Oh God- _

I desperately tensed, shivering from head to toe with a low moan. I managed to cut off the leak before it could escape my clothes, but I realized with an icy chill in my chest that I was screwed. There was no way I could hold out until the hotel. Hell, there was no way I could even manage the rest of the massage. I’d be lucky if I could get to the nearest palm tree or sheltered cliff overhang.

_ I have to get off of him! But he's got me pinned! I have to say something! _

I opened my mouth, fighting against my lolling tongue to say something,  _ anything _ . All that came out was another series of moans ripped from my lungs, his magic fingers coaxing me closer to the edge. I was powerless to move my limbs, I couldn't convince a single muscle to clench up again now that I was so relaxed. I could only lie there, helpless, as my own urine began to leak out against my will. Slowly at first, each push into my back from Nekomaru's massive hands forcing fresh trickles to surround my crotch and wet my inner thigh, accompanied by unsteady whimpers and gasps. Then, in one particularly strong shiver of pleasure, I collapsed entirely into a listless mess, my head spinning with relief of two kinds.

Despite every signal in my body to the contrary, I wasn't relieved at all by the humiliating moan that left my lips, or the steadily increasing river between my legs. I buried my blazing face in my arms and tried to ignore everything around me. The startled noise from Nekomaru and the way he stiffened underneath me, his hands tensing for a second like he'd been about to throw me off in a panic before he’d caught himself. The pattering and splattering as my gushing became a torrent, soaking both of our laps and forming a growing puddle of warm mud in the sand under us. The hissing sound as my scalding stream increased, spraying from me with more power than I could possibly get back under control. Everything was growing warm and wet, and that revolting feeling writhed in my stomach until I thought I was going to vomit, the discomfort completely canceling out whatever soothing might have come from my sore abdomen finally deflating.

I couldn’t believe it.

I couldn't believe it. Of all the strange events that had occurred on the island since I’d arrived, all of the bizarre scenarios that had happened to me, I had never expected this. This horrific, awful,  _ terrible _ event,  _ 'The Cruelest and Most Humiliating in My Personal History' _ … it was unbelievable. And yet it was undeniably happening, the evidence was all around me, completely impossible to ignore or sweep under a rug. It was happening, and I was front and center, and I couldn’t help but wonder if there was merit to Nagito’s wishes that one of us would die on this school trip.

_ I would be the first to volunteer. _

My heart was beating out of my chest, every pump crashing against my ribcage like it wanted to flee my body entirely. I couldn’t blame it. I wanted to run too, and with the energy gifted to me by Nekomaru’s massage, I could. As the waterfall between my legs slowed to a trickle, I  _ did. _ With a jolt and leap that would make an Olympian proud, I scrambled off of his lap and onto my feet, lunging across the sand to put space between us. As much space as possible. 

I had to get away from him, I had to find cover before anyone saw me, I had to-

Shit, what about my clothes? And  _ his _ clothes, I couldn’t just leave him there like that, covered in- Oh God how were we going to get back to the hotel without anyone seeing us- That meant I had to talk to him- What the hell was I supposed to  _ say _ to him? What did you say when you did something like- like- like-

The energy from the massage hadn’t completely kicked in yet. I found that out when just a few steps in, my legs still felt like jello, wobbling and bringing me to stumble to the ground. I staggered back onto my feet, but I found I couldn’t take a step further. My mind was reeling, the scenery around me was beginning to blur and spin, faster and faster-

I couldn’t catch my breath. Between the physical and mental assaults, my lungs felt like they were empty no matter how I tried to regulate my inhales. There wasn’t enough air on this beach, on the  _ entire island _ , and my vision was going black at the edges.

_ What are we gonna do? What am  _ **_I_ ** _ gonna do? Oh God he’s gonna hate me, he’s never going to talk to me again I’ve completely fucked this up why couldn’t I just- _

I had just enough consciousness left to realize that I was lightheaded, and then I felt myself plunging backwards. Something caught me before I hit the ground.

Some _ one. _

“ **_HAJIMEEE! CAN YOU HEAR MEEE?!?_ ** ” Nekomaru’s shouts did jolt me back to awareness, even if they almost put me into cardiac arrest in the process. My eyes shot open to find him leaning over me, my head resting against his chest where we stood (well, where I leaned). “Don’t black out on me now! This is like that first day all over again!”

Right… The first day of our trip, when I’d fainted in front of the entire class. At this rate, I was going to be known as the Ultimate Damsel in Distress. Collapsing into men’s arms, having to be shaken awake from the shock…

Collapsing into men’s arms,  _ in nothing but my underwear,  _ **_which was soaked in something that definitely wasn’t beach water._ **

“Let go of me! I-I’m fine! I’m awake!” I insisted, fighting fruitlessly until he released me from his grip, and then taking several steps away from him. I didn’t think it was possible for my face to get any redder, but then again, I didn’t think it was possible that I’d actually piss myself either, so what did I know? 

I didn’t think I could even look at him. I didn’t want to. I’d be happy if I could somehow erase this entire day from my brain. But technology like that didn’t exist, so I had to force myself to face him.

Swallowing (not my pride, because I sure as hell didn’t have any of  _ that _ left), I turned around to meet his gaze. I pointedly avoided looking below his collar, not having any desire to see the damage I’d caused. “Hey, do me a favor, Nekomaru.”

He perked up instantly, eager to do whatever was helpful. I shouldn’t have been surprised that even after what just happened, he would drop everything to help the weak. “What do ya' need?”

“You know that chain around your neck? Tie me up with it and drop me in the middle of the ocean.”

“ _Hajime…_ ” Nekomaru sighed, not at all amused by my deadpan. It was all I could manage though. Sarcasm, acting like the very world and my existence were an inconvenience… it was all I could do right now. Because if I let even one emotion slip, I’d be plunged right back into the suffocating, overwhelming panic I’d just been jolted out of. If I dwelled on any of what just happened, that would mean it was _real_ , and then- and _then_ what was I going to do?

“If it was that urgent, why didn’t you just tell me?” And with one brutal question, Nekomaru had managed to shatter any hope I’d had of trying to avoid discussing the incident directly. One sentence, far too blunt, was all it took to send every single ounce of self-consciousness rushing back. Red-hot embarrassment washed over me in a tidal wave, along with a healthy dose of anxiety and anger. 

There was no good answer to that question. There was no logical answer, no reason at all for why I couldn’t have. That was the most infuriating part, the thing that made me want to scream and tear my hair out. I could have told him at any goddamn time, and this whole horrific, awful, terrible event would have never even happened. I could have been a reasonable person, someone man enough to actually say what I meant or wanted to do instead of letting myself get dragged around by everyone else’s whims, and I could have avoided ruining the entire reputation I’d managed to cultivate with Nekomaru in one fell-swoop of bad decision-making.

But  _ no. _ I didn’t tell him. I didn’t just  _ tell him,  _ because-

_ Because? _

“Because I’m  _ a friggin’  _ **_dumbass,_ ** apparently!!!” I took my hands off of my throbbing head for just long enough to gesture towards… I didn’t know. Myself? The world? The complete idiocy of the entire situation?

I really shouldn’t have yelled at him, I knew that. I reasoned that since I was really just yelling at myself, it was fine. But it wasn’t fine. _ I _ was  _ not  _ fine.

_ I’m so stupid! _

How could I have been so stupid? To make a mistake like that-

I hadn’t improved at all on this damn island. I’d taken a backslide. To disgrace myself like that, in front of someone so talented, so awe-inspiring-

Why had I ever thought I could compete with someone like that? To keep up with him, hell, to even be friends with him… I should’ve known it was too good to be true. 

That feeling in my gut, that feeling I’d been trying  _ so hard _ to ignore and squash down had reared its ugly head, and it was completely my fault. I’d known something was going to mess this up, that somehow, some way, I was going to sabotage it. That everything would go wrong, because why wouldn’t it?

I’d known this ‘school trip’ was a horrible trick from the start. But I’d fooled myself into believing, just  _ maybe _ , it could be a good thing. Maybe things would go smoothly. Maybe I  _ belonged _ here.

_ Stupid.  _

I didn’t even know what my own talent was! It probably didn’t compare to any of the Ultimates here. How was I certain I even  _ had  _ a talent?

_ Stupid stupid stupid stupid- _

I didn’t belong here, and I didn’t belong with him, and-

“Hajime.  _ Hajime! _ Come on,  **_snap out of it!_ ** ” Nekomaru’s thunderous voice crashed through my thoughts, and as he brought his hands together in a booming clap, I realized at some point I’d turned away from him and sat back down on the sand, my fists clenched within my hair. Somehow, even with all of my thoughts about how the two of us were here in this situation, I’d ended up lost in my own world. 

My thoughts were still spinning, around and around my head until I felt dizzy, but I fought to focus, forcing myself to look at him as he sat down beside me. I dimly realized my cheeks were wet. Angry, frustrated lava was still leaking from my eyes, and I rushed to swipe my arm across it, sucking in a breath that was shakier than I wanted it to be.

“I’m sorry.” My voice was a croak that would have matched the present I gave Gundham last week. I gulped down the lump and tried again, and once I started talking, I found that I couldn’t stop. “God, I’m so freakin’ sorry! I didn’t mean to- I mean, I didn’t expect- I never meant to- That shouldn't've happened! That  _ never _ should've happened, I don't know how…  _ God _ I can’t even imagine how gross that was for you! And I know deep down you're at least  _ a little _ mad at me even though you’re too nice to say it to my face, and I don't blame you! How could someone  _ not _ be mad after something like, l-like-"

I couldn't bring myself to say it. I was stuttering blanks, so livid at myself I couldn't even mention my failure. I dug my fingers back into my temples, even if it did nothing to stop the skull-crushing headache. "Forget it! I know you feel obligated to help me or whatever, but you don't have to. I don't need a pity party, alright? I completely get it if you don’t wanna talk to me again after this, so you can just  _ go _ , okay?"

I wished he would. I  _ prayed _ he would, because in that moment I'd have loved nothing more than to never see Nekomaru again, which would hurt at least a sliver of a fraction less than it would sting to stay near him. I'd already burned everything to the ground, the least I could do was avoid the wreckage. "I’ll leave you alone and we can pretend this whole thing never happened even though it’s burned in our memories and I’m  _ really _ sorry and-”

"Hajime, are you gonna let me get a word in? Or am I gonna have to grab my training megaphone and  **_YELL OVER YOU?_ ** " 

Nekomaru's howl cut through my words, shattering my voice to pieces in the process. I'd only had the energy to keep talking from adrenaline, and once I'd been brought down in stunned silence, I couldn't find a single word to continue. I was stuck. My head was simultaneously overflowing and completely devoid of coherent thought. I was dimly aware I was shaking, although I couldn't figure out if it was from my emotions or the fact that I was wet and nearly naked on a windy, rapidly-cooling beach.

When he sensed I'd finally stopped rambling, Nekomaru's nostrils flared in a deep exhale. He shut his eyes, and I waited hesitantly for whatever wise nugget of wisdom he was planning to pull out.

Instead all he pulled out was the nugget from deep within his ear. With a huff, he flicked his pinky finger and sent it flying triumphantly across the beach. I would have cringed, but seeing as I'd just done something undeniably more disgusting, I tried not to react.

Finally, Nekomaru spoke, looking down at me with his brows furrowed. "Have you ever talked to Mikan about getting some medication?"

As if everything else he'd said so bluntly wasn't bad enough, there was the killing blow. I couldn't even bring myself to speak at first.  _ Does he seriously think I'm incontinent? Goddammit, he does! Just end me now! _

"This was  _ one time! _ " I blurted out, because that rebuttal had gone  _ so well _ for me the last time I'd tried it.

Nekomaru didn't flinch at my outburst, his voice and expression remaining steady no matter how shrill my own became. "I meant for anxiety." he exhaled heavily, folding his arms over his chest.

" _ Huh?!? _ "

"Well, you're freaking out over nothing. There's got to be a reason behind that." Before I could open my mouth, he kept talking, and he didn't break eye contact. "Look, I know you're kind of an 'anal guy', but this really isn't a big deal. So you pissed yourself! You've witnessed my bathroom trials plenty of times, you've heard my shit stories! Why are you so upset about-"

"Why the fuck  _ wouldn't _ I be upset!?!" I interrupted him, unable to help raising my voice again. At first it was out of disbelief, then anger. Was he really calling me ' _ anal' _ over this?!? Like I was 'overreacting' when I'd just endured the most humiliating moment of my life? Any normal person would be upset! Any normal person would be ready to crawl in a hole and die! 

The fires of embarrassment and anger stoked together in my chest, rising until there might as well have been steam coming out of my ears. I would have given him the most cutting glare I could muster if my eyes weren't still wide from the shock. 

"I just wet myself like some little kid! Name one person our age who does that!"

"There's no need to be embarrassed about bodily functions! The call of nature doesn't care how old you are, it's listeners are equal!"  _ Leave it to that guy to try and make it sound poetic. _ "Listen, sometimes people overestimate themselves and their physical limitations. That's a normal part of training and-"

"I'm not upset because of that! I'm upset because it happened in front of  _ you! _ "

"Why does  _ that _ matter?" Nekomaru didn't scoff, but confusion was all over his face. "I just told you, I don't care about-"

"But  _ I _ do!  _ I care! _ " 

_ That _ , I realized, as I felt my chest turn to heavy, cold marble, was the feeling. That strange, unsettling discomfort I'd felt every time I was around Nekomaru for the past couple of weeks… it wasn't an outside danger, and it wasn't him. It was an internal danger. It was  _ me.  _

It was me, getting tangled up in things I had no business with. Aiming higher than I was supposed to reach.

There was a reason stories where mortals fell in love with gods never ended well.

If it had happened in front of someone else, like Chiaki or Kazuichi, I would have been embarrassed, sure. But I wouldn't be  _ this _ upset over it, would I? Feeling like I'd been tossed around in a storm and battered against rocks, with a sharp ache in my chest that would have overpowered lungs full of sea water.

No. No… the more I thought about it… the more sure I was that I wouldn't be. This was different than it would be with anyone else. It was different, because  _ Nekomaru _ was different. Nekomaru was  _ special _ .

" _ I care… _ " I repeated dimly, as if to confirm the bullet of truth I'd just discovered. I let those two words rattle around in my empty skull, testing them out, studying them. Why else would I have tried so hard to keep pace with him during the training sessions, and participated in  _ sports _ of all things? Why did I make him a priority among all the other classmates I could have spent my time with? Brought him most of the extra gifts I picked up around the island? Why else would I have been willing to sacrifice my own wellbeing just to spend a couple of hours with him on a beach?

"It matters to  _ me _ , alright?!?" I managed to keep my voice from cracking, but I couldn't stop the edge of bitterness to my words. "How would  _ you _ feel if you completely humiliated yourself in front of the person you really-"

_ Really… _

"Really  _ what? _ " Nekomaru pressed, scratching the back of his head as he stared at me in bafflement.

I was struggling to find an answer. I was struggling to construct anything into words, and even once I did, the concrete wouldn't move past my throat. If I said anything, there was no taking it back. Whatever I admitted, whatever I made real was going to stick, hanging over us for the rest of the time on this school trip. Was that a burden I was willing to bear? To put on his shoulders?

_ I mean… it couldn't get any worse though, really… _

Well, I guessed Nagito could probably make up a scenario for how much more of a nosedive this day could take, but all things considered, I'd already screwed up as much as humanly possible. I'd already blown any chance I had, so there was no point avoiding it, right? Might as well rip off the band-aid and get the rejection over with. If our friendship could somehow manage to weather me wetting myself on top of him, this couldn't kill it. And if things were already too awkward and we decided to never hang out again after today, well, it wasn't like this could change that.

If you were at rock bottom, there was nothing left to do but lie on the ground and accept your fate.

"Come on, Hajime. Don't leave me hanging!" Nekomaru prompted, putting a hand on my shoulder. I tried not to flinch under the pressure of his grip. "You can open up to me!"

"I like you, Nekomaru..." I was surprised he even heard me, because I could barely get my tone above a murmur, keeping my gaze on my feet. Heat blazed across my skin until I thought I was going to melt, and I tried to nudge his hand off of my shoulder.

"Well, uh… thanks. I like you too." Nekomaru moved to pat my shoulder, only to remember I'd just nudged his hand off. He settled for flashing me a quick smile instead, before resuming his serious expression. "But I was asking what you were trying to say earlier-"

"That  _ is _ what I'm trying to say!" I groaned, burying my face in my palm. "The person I  _ really like and admire _ . That's why I'm so upset, that's why it was so humiliating and I'll be kicking myself for it for years to come. I hate that you had to see that and I hate that I was dumb enough to let it happen, but I can't change it now so I'll just… have to live with it. And since I've already run things into the ground and have nothing left to lose, I'm manning up and telling you. So just hear me out." 

I didn't give him a chance to agree, taking a deep breath and launching into my speech before my nerve-fueled adrenaline could fail.

"You're more than a friend to me, Nekomaru! You're more… _important_ , than that. It took me a while to figure it out, but... that's how I feel. I know that now. I understand you probably don't feel that way about me and I completely get that, you don't have to! Hell, you probably don't _want_ _to_ after what just happened, but I just wanted to tell you because I keep doing stupid things and I think it's better if I lay everything out in the open, and if you want me to back off I will but I really would like to keep being friends with you if you'll have me even if-"

"HOLD ON!  _ TIME OUT!  _ **_TIME OUT!!!_ ** "

Nekomaru was signaling at me with what I assumed were official referee poses, and since he didn't have a whistle to blow, he compensated by shouting even louder. Whatever train of speech I'd managed to pull together completely derailed. Nerves buzzed through every inch of me as I stared at him. 

"Wh-What? What is it?" To stop me so aggressively like that…

"I don't get it." Nekomaru said blankly. "You're talking faster than I can run. I need to catch up." Dragging a hand down his face, he exhaled, staring at me in deep concentration. My skin scrawled under the intense scrutiny, and I found my throat was a desert when I tried to swallow. "So what exactly are you sayin' with all of this? Are you… confessing your undying love to me?"

"I wouldn't say it's  _ that _ extreme…" I muttered, glancing away again.  _ 'Undying love' _ , how cheesy could you get? "But… yeah, I'm… confessing, I guess. I don't want things to get weird between us, so if you don't feel the same way just tell me and-"

"What do you mean  _ 'if I don't feel the same way?!?' _ "

"Huh?"

" **_NYURRGGGGGH!!!_ ** " Nekomaru groaned, clutching his own head and almost doubling over. " **_I THOUGHT WE WERE ALREADY DATING!!!_ ** "

" **_WHAT!?!_ ** " For once in my life, I managed to match his insane volume level, our mutual confusion echoing throughout the island. I had to have heard him wrong. That didn't make any sense! 

He couldn't-

He didn't-

_ Did he? _

How? More importantly,  _ why? _

Jumping from thinking I'd humiliated myself in front of a crush I didn't know I had, to humiliating myself in front of a  _ boyfriend _ I didn't know I had was too much of a leap. 

_ What the fuck kind of signals did I miss?!? What signals did  _ **_he_ ** _ miss?!? _

" _ No _ , we weren't dating!" I had to stand up and pace to try and make sense of things, occasionally glancing down at the man whose brain had just been burst open. "What the hell made you think we were dating?!? I didn't even realize- I-I mean, until today…" God, my head was spinning again, accompanied by a rhythmic pounding that almost made me pray for someone to give me blunt force trauma.

Nekomaru finally staggered to his feet. He was looking at me like I was arguing the sky had never been blue. "If we weren't dating, why didn't you stop me?!?" 

"What do you mean?"

“I called this a date. I’ve taken you on dates at least  _ five times. _ ”

“I thought you were joking! I thought it was just, l-like, a friendly outing!”

“I said I loved you.”

“I thought that was platonic!”

“You’ve gotten naked in front of me.”

“ _ So does Akane! _ " I snapped back. Finally, a decent counter-argument! "I thought it was just a massage thing!”

Nekomaru was not swayed. He didn't even raise his eyebrows. In fact, he stared at me  _ yet again _ like he was explaining the most obvious thing in the world. “There’s a difference between massage nudity and romantic nudity, Hajime.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was this all some giant joke? A secret test? What else could explain the complete nonsense coming out of Nekomaru's mouth? Like the world had been flipped upside down, words and concepts losing all meaning.

And yet, I had to admit it was completely in character for him. It was even a trait I might have admitted I was a little fond of, if it wasn't  _ driving me goddamn crazy _ at the moment.

“On  _ what planet!?! _ How the hell am I supposed to know the difference!?! You give mixed signals, dude!”

"I thought they were pretty clear!"

"So today when you told me to 'strip' in public, and that you didn't care if anyone saw us,  _ were you coming on to me?!? _ Was that supposed to be romantic-"

" **_NO!!!_ ** What did I just say!?! That was a  _ completely platonic _ massage!" He folded his arms across his chest as he stepped closer to me, speaking very seriously. "I don't mix my love-life with my coach work! That would be a breach of ethics!"

"But when you said last week that you would be happy to do 'it' to me anytime I wanted and then said we should go back to the hotel-"

"Romantic." he confirmed, just as seriously. "I was surprised you didn't call to take me up on it, but I figured I'd let you go at your own pace." Nekomaru's nonchalant shrug did nothing to ease my confusion.

They were the same. Both of those scenarios were simultaneously the most sexual and the most basic massage concepts I'd ever heard.

_ There's no way I'm  _ **_that_ ** _ oblivious, right? This kind of double-entendre crap would confuse anyone! _

Maybe paying Mikan a visit later would be a good idea after all. At this rate I was going to need a jar full of painkillers just to survive a conversation with him...

"So…" I finally murmured, realizing debating phrasing and past events wasn't going to get us anywhere. " _ Just to be clear- _ You already thought we were dating. For a while, apparently."

"Yep."

"Which means you feel the same way I do?"

"Uh-huh!"

My skull was ready to split. I grimaced, burying my face in one hand.

"Goddamn it. That makes this  _ so _ much worse."

"What? How?!?"

"Because now you have an excuse to dump me."

"Hajime, I would never do that!" Nekomaru insisted, borderline insulted. "Who the hell would do that over something so pathetic!?!"

_ Ouch _ . I knew he didn't mean it that way, but calling what happened pathetic was a real kick in the nuts. 

"Relax. I was kidding." I sighed, although I couldn't quite tone down the self-loathing in my voice. As flattered as I was to know he didn't dislike me (the opposite, in fact), it did make what happened even more mortifying. "I guess now I know why you didn't throw me off earlier. You've got more willpower than I do. Seriously, didn't that gross you out?"

"It'd take a lot more than that to weaken me!" Nekomaru chuckled, puffing out his chest. "But even if you made me vomit, I would stand by you, Hajime!" 

"Come on, don't be cheesy." I scoffed, raising an eyebrow. "Even if it was on the first date? Like, a  _ real _ first date. Don't tell me you wouldn't at least  _ consider _ running the other way."

"I would  **_NEVER!_ ** " Nekomaru declared proudly. "There's no room for shame or disgust when you're with people you care about! If you can't get down and dirty with somebody, it's never going to work!" He leaned down to look me in the eyes, ready to impart his sage advice. "You have to fart in the same room to achieve true bonds!"

"I… guess that's one way of putting it…" I admitted, nodding as if I would seriously consider his wisdom. It made sense in sentiment, I guessed, but it still wasn't a sentence I'd ever really wanted to hear spoken aloud.

"So." Nekomaru prompted after a moment of silence. "Was that why you were so panicked? Just because you were  _ ashamed _ around me? You know I'd never judge about a bathroom emergency!!!"

"I know.  _ Trust me, _ I knew that." I groaned. 

"Then why didn't you speak up? Why didn't you confess your problems to me?" Nekomaru pressed me further, and I finally noticed something in his eyes. A glimmer of hesitance. Guilt. I had barely begun to wonder why when he answered my question for me. "Am I… intimidating?"

" _ No! _ Of course not! You're one of the nicest guys I know!" But… even if that was what I blurted out first, it wasn't the entire truth. Because if I thought back to my first impressions of him, he  _ was _ intimidating. And hell, even now that I knew what a sap he could be, and was comfortably on his good side, there was always going to be the small fact that he was. 

I knew he wasn't going to take that shallow comforting answer either. Nekomaru was genuinely concerned by the idea that he'd scared me into submission. Sighing heavily, I fixed my gaze on him. "I mean… You kind of are. But not because you're mean or anything, and I don't want you to take my answer as proof  _ any _ of this was your fault. Okay? It was completely mine." 

"But-" I cut him off before he could protest.

"I'm not intimidated by you, Nekomaru. But I guess, sometimes, I'm intimidated by… the  _ idea _ of you. And your ideas of me…" 

It was difficult to put everything into words. It was ridiculous, and I hated having to confess any of it. But if it would stop him from thinking any of this was his problem, I had to make the sacrifice. 

"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to admit it was a problem. You were so excited to take me here and train, and I knew it would take up too much of our time to travel all the way there and back. You… you're always talking about how people can grow stronger, and you've said I was improving with all that training. You're always talking me up. I wanted to prove I was everything you kept saying I was and live up to your expectations! I mean, you're so strong and disciplined, and there isn't a lot that can get to you. I wanted to emulate that. I wanted to prove to myself and you that I could be that kind of person. You can endure  _ anything _ for the people you care about, but I couldn't even…" I wasn't going to start crying again, and I managed to keep any more tears from falling, but despite my best efforts, my voice still cracked. Now that I knew the real reason I'd put myself through such a pointless hell, I was even more frustrated at myself than before, with a fresh dose of embarrassment on top of it all. 

I glanced away to stare at the sand, crossing my arms over my chest. "Look, I know it was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking, trying to keep up with someone so talented when I'm… I just didn't want to disappoint you or derail everything. But dammit, I guess I did  _ exactly that, _ didn't I?" A hint of a bitter laugh slipped from my throat. I'd derailed this entire evening with something that could've taken less than an hour.

Something slapped me in the back of the head. I was lucky he'd restrained himself to a 'light' thwak, because anything more would have knocked me unconscious.

" _ Ow! _ "

"Cut it out with all the self-deprecating talk already." He grunted, fixing me with a stern glare. "You sound like Nagito."

" _ Don't mock me. _ " I muttered, shooting him a glare back. Not that it was very effective. Embarrassed, with my pride torn to shreds and standing around in my underwear, I was the furthest thing from intimidating.

"I'm not mocking you." Nekomaru huffed. "But I will if you don't stop beating yourself up! We've been over this. Just because you don't remember your talent doesn't mean you're not talented! Everything I say about you is true. You don't have to try and impress me,  _ or _ imitate me. I like you because you're Hajime Hinata. If I liked myself that much, I'd hang out with a mirror instead!" He hooked me in by the shoulder for a bone-crushing hug, and despite how much I wanted to keep being bitter, it was… comforting. Admittedly. "You're right that it was stupid. It's  **_damn stupid_ ** to think you aren't good enough or that you can't be honest with me!!! And if I ever hear that kind of talk from you again, I  **_WILL_ ** chain you up and throw you out to sea!  **_UNDERSTOOD!?!_ ** " 

"Understood." I reluctantly breathed out. "Thanks." Casting him the briefest hint of a smile, I managed to pull myself out of his grip.

"A little mocking is good, by the way. Life's better if you learn to laugh about things like this!" His uproarious laughter boomed, and I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, this is real damn hilarious…" I deadpanned.

"You know what isn't funny though?" Nekomaru's laughter settled, and he turned to face me again. Before I even had a chance to ask, he shook me by the shoulders, nearly blowing out my eardrums. " **_YOU BEING SO GODDAMN RECKLESSSS!!!_ ** "

"What?!?"  _ Where's that rage coming from?!? _

"Do you have  _ any idea _ how unhealthy it is to hold it for that long?!? It's unnatural! You could've gotten an infection, or had an organ rupture, not to mention the damage to your kidneys-"

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry, alright!?! I get it! I won't do that again!" 

I guessed given his past and his talent, it made sense that he'd be concerned about people's health, but I felt getting chewed out completely was a bit much. As I tried to step away from his ongoing lecture, I caught sight of the scenery behind us. 

"Hey, Nekomaru! Look!" I called, steering him around. As I'd hoped, the view shut him up pretty quickly. 

_ We must've been talking here for longer than I'd realized.  _

I'd felt the dropping temperatures earlier, and had the goosebumps on my arms and legs to prove it, but I'd failed to notice the sky around us had been steadily changing. The beach was bathed in amber, pink, and purple hues, the sky and sea melting seamlessly into one stunning expanse. 

"The sunset…" Nekomaru breathed. "There it is..."

"I know we aren't running like you wanted, but… it's still pretty nice, isn't it?" I didn't pull my gaze from the scenery to ask him that. Just the same, even though I realized my hands were still gripping the backs of his shoulders from where I'd spun him, I didn't pull them off. They didn't seem to be bothering him, so… why ruin the moment?

"It's incredible…" Nekomaru murmured, the quietest I'd ever heard him. After a moment of awestruck silence, that quietness was broken. "It's  **_INCREDIBLE!!!_ ** Let's get in it already!"

"What?!?"

His eyes were sparking with brighter electricity than I'd ever seen, practically glowing in the fading light. "We've gotta wash off anyway, remember!?! So what are we waiting for? Nature's bath is right there!"

More like nature's bathroom, if I shuddered and thought about what all the fish did in there, but that point wasn't worth bringing up. It was a solid idea to explain his wet clothes if anyone saw us on the way back, and I'd rather smell like seawater than urine before I chucked my discarded outfit back on.

"Alright, we can swim for a little while." I agreed, following him as he started charging towards the water. "But we'll have to start heading back soon. Miss Usami will be ringing the dinner bell any time now, and we'll still have to get to our cabins and change."

"That's fine! A short swim's great!" Nekomaru dove under, popping up next to me a few seconds later. "Our first  _ real _ date won't be until tomorrow anyway. Gotta save the big fun for then!"

"Our first date, huh?" And for the first time, I could say that word without sarcasm or picturing air-quotes. It was… a nice feeling, as I stared at him haloed by the fading sunlight. "Got it all planned out already, do you? I don't suppose I could get a hint?"

"Well, there'll be  **_PLENTY_ ** of pit stops along the way!" he assured me, puffing out his chest.

" _ Don't make me splash you! _ "

**Author's Note:**

> Sunsets, playing in the ocean, big love confessions… when did I get so disgustingly sappy? G A G.
> 
> Lol this ship was fun to write for though and the massage prompt was interesting to work with. I hope you enjoyed the fic! Feel free to leave a comment or kudos if you'd like, and thank you for reading! And Merry (Belated) Christmas/Winter Holidays!!!  
> ~~~  
> I like to hc Hajime as firmly in denial about any crush he has on anyone, ever, and he’s just about ripping his hair out with all the confusion and dreaded Feelings(™) until whoever reciprocates has to pretty much beat him over the head and go ‘Get your head out of your ass you moron and ask me out already, we’ve been dating for like two weeks how have you not realized this jfc’
> 
> He’s just a bi disaster someone help him geez


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